When is enough, enough?
At what point does one ‘throw in the towel’?
When I began this journey to find a new career, I never in my wildest dreams imagined myself here. In an Industry few know exists, and even fewer understand Regardless, I am here and I WILL find a way to succeed…or die trying.
I need to share with you bits of my life I feel are important to this process by which I can reclaim my life and my happiness. Everyone has a past. Mine is not one I am proud of, and until lately I was never aware of just how much time I wasted and people I hurt.
Don’t get me wrong. For the most part, I am a good person. I am thoughtful, aware, loving,considerate, giving and have always had a flair to be creative. I have always been drawn to the events and people that have the greatest impact and influence on my life and the lives of those closest to me. When I am/was around, I am a good father. Or I try to be anyway. Regardless, I love my children. ALL of them. Equally. And I deserve to be a part of their lives.
Until I got involved in this Industry my life was ….scattered. I was hopelessly addicted to crack/cocaine for nearly 20 years. Somehow, I survived multiple health scares and heart attacks as a direct result of using for so long. Yet for whatever reasons, my life was/has been spared I believe to give me a chance to give back to those who loved and supported me for so many years and to make up for lost time with my children. So to all of kids and family and friends, I am sorry for who I was. For what I did or said. I will be better. I am better. And I will continue to get better.
The past 4 months for me have been the hardest. Beginning in October when I found my only daughter Paige clinging to life in her bedroom. She is a type 1 diabetic(and probably the worst candidate for such a condition as she didn’t eat well or live well. I believe because the long term effects of her condition can’t immediately be noticed, she didn’t take it seriously) But that mixed with a sudden contraction of Phemonia , nearly took her life in less than 18 hours. She was on life support for nearly 3 weeks and it was the darkest and scariest few weeks of my life. I was alone and the cost of everything piled up against me was unbearable, but I remained. My 2 oldest son’s, Joshua and Tyan, seemed to distance themselves more and more. For reason’s which are unknown. My 9 year old Ryder (almost 10) I still have yet to see. I miss him so. He lives 5 hrs south of here but because I never have money at the end of the month, and his selfish mother is hell bent on replacing me and doesn’t give or share her number with me, I am left to crave the bond I once shared and had with my little boy. FUCK!!! I miss him like nothing else!
Sorry if this post seems ‘all over the place’. I have so much I want to share. Need to tell. Need someone to HEAR me and HELP me!!
Just this week alone. This is what has happened. Aside from finally getting back into a new(but dingy) basement suite with my daughter(YAY!) I am struggling to find my ‘why’. My reasons are there but yet again something has come ‘out of the blue’ to set forth yet another series of obstacles that I must fix and rebuild from. All i know is that my dad, who suffers from Parkinson’s, does NOT need this bullshit. He is and will always be my best friend and for her to do this to me at this point is beyond selfish. I can only tell so much of this as it is still unknown what will happen next.
God !! I have so much I need to say. So much of what is happening to me right now is NOT my fault nor my doing! People don’t understand what i’m trying to do with my business. Or my life. All they see is the cost of it with little reward. But they don’t understand why I’m doing it. Or even how it works. Everyone here, where I’m from, automatically associates anything online that costs money…..a scam. Regardless, I am STILL HERE!
I’m gonna leave this post as it is…from here…If you have any advise or direction or just a comment in general..please. I will reply back to you immediately.
As well the continued ‘Phone convo that changed everything’ is back….You really need to see and find out how low people can be and what I have done to ethically get my SON and my LIFE BACK!!